One Single Mother's Psalm

The following is a psalm of one single mother (me). It is adapted from
a journal entry dated May 8, 2010.

No one knows the plight of a single mother.
No one knows the immense burden of being the only adult to care for the
children emotionally, physically, temporally, and spiritually.
I grieve for myself and my children because we are robbed of a family that has a
husband and father at its head.
How will they learn how to be fathers? How will they know how to treat their wives?
What kind of men and citizens will they turn out to be?
How long must we endure this injustice? Are our cries and prayers even heard?
Who does the Lord think I am? What does he think I am made of?
I can't carry it anymore today- Lord will you carry the burden for me today.
I have shed countless tears and have felt so broken and lost. I feel like I'm wandering-
that I am out of place as a single mother.
No one knows the grief in a single mother's heart.
She is so fragile. I am so fragile. I used to be tough, full of hope and happiness. Now I
am fragile, fearful and forgotten.
Will I ever find my place again? Will I ever fit in? Will I ever let anyone in?
No one knows...except HIM.


This journal entry that I now call "One single mother's psalm" was obviously
written at a very low point in my life. However, two weeks later I wrote again
in my journal: "I don't feel that way anymore. The Lord has restored my hope
and faith through his tender mercies and reminders of the knowledge he has blessed
me with (about my future), and I no longer hang my head down".

I am certain we all have a psalm of woe we could write because life is HARD. It's
comforting though that our burdens can be made light and that we don't have to be in constant despair. Our Savior picks up the broken pieces of our lives and makes us whole.

Provo River Falls

Monday, the boys and I went up to Provo River Falls with my dad and sister.
We had a great time playing in the water and enjoying the beauties of the earth.

Isaac by the small waterfall!

  

                                                                     

Why me?

The water was freezing but he can't feel it.

I guess he was in the mood to make faces.

My sis with two of the boys.

Isaac and I posing for the camera.

This waterfall was breathtaking.

My daddy - e- o!

Divorce-aversary

It may seem weird that I am acknowledging my divorce-aversary today. Most people acknowledge and celebrate their anniversary and remember how many years they have been married. They reflect on all the great times and maybe even the hard times. They thank God for their marriage and hope for many good years to come. Divorced people acknowledge, celebrate (some do), and count the years they've been divorced. We too reflect on the good times(though few), but mainly the heart wrenching times, and then we celebrate and thank the Lord that we are free from decade(s) (some longer, some shorter) of growing pains.

 With all this being said I do not believe in divorce, I believe in marriage between a husband and wife, but sometimes the Lord tells us to do something we don't want to do. He knows the hearts of the individuals involved. He knew that I needed to let go because the heart of my spouse was turning to things that were not conducive to a marriage and a family. As hard as it has been I am forever grateful the Lord endorsed my decision, helped me let go, and has healed me from a chronic broken heart and shattered dreams. The children are the innocent victims, but the Lord loves the little ones with a special kind of love that will bind up their broken hearts. "...the Redeemer was annointed to bind up the brokenhearted"(Doctrine and Covenants 138:42). He loves to mend broken things and he is mending us. It was the perfect time for me to "get out" for the children's sake. A time that would be less painful for them, if that's even possible, but it is because the Lord endorsed it. He knew we would come out stronger for having the experience. He knew our hearts would be more compassionate towards others who suffer. He knew we would love each other and hold on tight to what we had left from this experience.

It has been 4 years since I have been officially divorced. It's been six years that I have been a single parent. Six years ago Peter was in Iraq for a year, and then we were separated for a year; hence six years as a single parent. I must say it does get easier in some ways. The only thing that is constant is not having a companion to share the responsibility of parenting- a calling "that was always meant for two". Sure it gets lonely, but I would much rather be a single mother with my peace, joy, and love intact than miserably married with no peace, joy, or love.

I have incredible hope for future blessings of marriage and possibly more kiddos whether I carry another child or become a stepmother or both. :-) Yes, I do want another one. It's in the Lord's hands so it's going to take time. I'm willing to wait because his timing is always right. I'm willing to wait because the boys and I deserve the best. The best is yet to be...

Special Kids!

So this morning we had a wonderful Spina Bifida support group activity 

at the bowling alley. I love going to the different events they offer through-

out the year. It's nice to connect with other moms that are going through the

 same things. It's also really nice to get advice and tips. I always learn some-

thing new when I am with  these moms. It's funny how in the Spina Bifida

community we know each other by our children's names. For example,

"Oh, you are Josh's mom"... and... "Hi, I'm Josh's mom".

 There are many different levels of abilities with each Spina Bifida child

depending on where their lesion was on the spine. So one can never compare,

or wish that there child was doing what this child over here is doing because

it might not even be possible. Each child does the BEST of what they can with
the abilities they've been given. SB(Spina Bifida) kids are fighters and that's
what makes them so special.

This September we are having a fundraiser 5k/10k for Spina Bifida, in Utah County.

I am going to start training for it in June. I do exercise daily, but as we all know running

outside is a different story. I ran the other day and it was hard, but I also felt a sense of

pride that my body could move that way. However, the next day I was in so much pain I

could hardly walk. My body definitely needs to get used to it. Thank heavens for

doTerra essential oils and their Deep Blue Rub. I've never had ANY desire to run outside.

The only reason I am doing this is because I want to support my son. Josh can't run

or walk without assistance so I have no excuse not to participate in this cause because

 I have full functioning legs. The cause is worth it and who knows maybe I will become

a lover of running... NOT... I love my yoga and aerobics classes too much.

Pictures from the bowling alley :

                                                                Watch me bowl

                                                   There goes my bowling ball

                                                            One of his SB friends

                                         Another SB friend! They have matching canes!